For the last 35 years, the 19th of September has always been the day that my dad died. A day of grieving, of remembering, of saying goodbye.
This year, it’s different, because this year it was also a day of new beginnings.
A while ago, I decided to go back to school and get my bachelor’s degree in Cross Media Management, after being unemployed for too long and having to hear over and over again that I didn’t have the right degree. I never managed to get a degree in my twenties, because of several circumstances, one of them being that university was just too hard for me at that point in my life. So I quit after a year, like I do with most things. Quitting when something doesn’t go right is a recurring theme in my life. Quitting jobs, friendships, relationships, hobbies, name it. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m a quitter. I’m sure it has something to do with my BPD as well. Instability and unhappiness are a common thread in my life.
So, on the 19th September 2016, back to school it was for me.
I have to admit, I was nervous, just like I used to be before the first day of school. Will I make new friends, will I fit in, will they look at me funny, will they think I’m ancient? It sounds silly, as I’m 39 years old and shouldn’t care about any of that. OK, I don’t really care if I make friends, that’s true. But the fitting in is still important. Seeing as I’ve felt like a misfit all my life, it’s always been important to be accepted.
To be honest, I didn’t feel as intimidated by the long hallways and the big classrooms as I used to be. I didn’t mind sitting in the front, so I could hear the teacher. I wasn’t nervous about introducing myself and explaining why I was there. So, luckily, I have grown a lot from that shy and insecure 20-year-old. I am nervous about some of the classes though. I was never a brainiac and some of these classes require a good memory and/or lots of logical reasoning. My memory is fine when it comes to Shakespeare lines, but when it comes to things that don’t necessarily interest me, we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe I should just turn the study material into a long monolgue. Watch this space for performance dates! 😉
But for the most part, I’m sure I can do it. So bring it on, I’m ready for my new life as a student!
I will try and blog regularly about life as an (almost) 40-year-old student. I guess it’s true what they say: you’re never too old to learn.